Goodbye 2008! Welcome 2009!!

With year 2008 coming to an end in just a few hours, it's time again for me to reflect on what i did for the past year. Being a year older simply makes me wonder if time has made me a wiser person, or am i still being as childish as ever?

Looking back, year 2008 has indeed been a rather happening year for me. Hasn't really been a kind year though. Been experiencing lots of changes at work, changes at home and changes in my social circle.

The happening of many events still leaves me spinning in absolute bewilderment. There were happy days, there were sad moments too. Just that sad moments seem so much longer.
Some people stepped into my life, some had walked out.
And it was sad to learn that people who walked out were those whom i had trusted, those whom i were so close to.
Perhaps it wasn't by choice.
A twist of fate i suppose.

I guess this is part of the growing up process. Many life lessons learnt. And still learning in progress. I've come to the conclusion that many things do happen for a reason. But no one knows what's going to happen till the end. So perhaps in the meantime, what we need to do is to learn to experience the process.

Going through the resolutions that i've set for this year, i realize that it has somehow brought along contradictory effects. And i'm thinking if i should set new year resolutions again for 2009.

But hey, a new year means new hopes right. And so therefore, here's my resolutions for 2009:

1. Score well for exams
2. Spend quality time with dear ones
3. Practise punctuality
   

And my new year wish is.. Many many happy days in 2009.. Many great returns too.. =)

bonding session

spend a lazy sunday afternoon at home todae..
with my hectic schedule nowadays, spending time at home has never felt so good.. hee.. didn't do much at home though.. managed to clean up my room a little.. and i had a camwhoring session my dear bobbie.. cant help smiling when i see the pics.. he looks like a poor victim in front of the camera..

mini affair

i'm now officially 24.. the age of a young woman.. hehe..
didn't have much of a birthday celebration this year.. partly bcos i couldn't.. and also somehow i realize as we get older, birthday parties and presents doesnt seem to matter that much anymore..

had supper at nydc on 22nd.. shared 2 slices of cheesecakes as the clock strikes 12..
and it was another session of photo taking..
headed to the pump room at clarke quay.. music wasn't bad.. the crowd there was mostly caucasians..
left there ard 3am and headed to bugis for another round of supper before heading home.

headed out for a another chill out session on my birthday.
this time round i met up with xuan and we headed to indochine at wisma.
mel was down with a fever and couldn't meet up.

the ambience and music at indochine were indeed very nice. and the band played lots of my favourite songs that night. they also sang a birthday song but it was dedicated to a girl named nancy. xuan ask me to treat it as if they're singing for me. what only.

fave songs that they sang that night were:

• stop and stare
• chasing cars
• fall for you
• i'm yours

and many others..

we didn hang out till late that night as we both had to work the next day.. headed home at ard 12 plus...

HaPpy biRthDaY tO mE!

MyNiceSpace.com

Christmas Myspace Comments

in loving memory always

the demise of mama has led me to realize how unexpected can one's life be. everything had happened within 24 hrs. the last time i saw her was on tues night. upon reaching home after work, she asked me if i had taken dinner and had warmed up food for me. heard from mummy that she had actually went for a stroll earlier on. when i went to bed at 2am, she was still watching tv.

it was just like any other day.

on wed, i went to school at noon. den headed to town to colour my hair. the shocking news came at 9.15pm. mummy reached home after work n found mama fainted inside the bathroom naked. wat a bad fright mummy had! in her panic, she suddenly forgot all the phone numbers on the emergency list, but luckily she regained her composure fast. the ambulance and my aunties all reached in ard 15mins time. all of us den fled down to the hospital from wherever we were.

the saddening news came as all of us were gathered outside the resuscitation room. apparently, mama had suffered from heavy brain bleeding, was in critical condition then. we were told to be mentally prepared. as i entered the room, i was fearful of what i had to face. looking at how frail mama looked on the bed, i couldnt help collapsing into tears as i tried to wake her up.

we stayed at the hospital till ard 2am. daddy was there thru out the night. the next morning we were asked to rush down to the hospital as mama's condition turned for the worse. but we were too late. she had left before we even reached.

the next few days were spent at the funeral. many late nights. saw many relatives. some of them i had vaguely remembered.
last day of the funeral was of great remembrance.
sorrowful departing scene at the crematorium.

this whole thing seems like a big nightmare.
so sudden. so shocking.
just that i know its a nightmare that i will never wake up from.

still trying to adapt to her absence..
she's been part of my life since young.

as days pass, i began to realize how i miss the things about her..
like how she ensures that there's always extra toilet rolls in the bathroom,
her home made french toast,
her fried rice, fried noodles,
or rather how she wants me to take lunch before leaving the house for afternoon shifts..
how she checks if i'm using the internet before switching off the tv switch, (for fear of me throwing a tantrum),
how she helps me to wash up the dishes after my meals when i feel lazy,
and how she always stays up late with me..

many pple have told me that its her fortune that she has left without much sufferings.
perhaps its true.

"thank you mama for everything that you have done for us.
may god bless you in heaven.
in loving memory always."

reminiscing

i miss the good old days..
will the happy days ever return?

one for sorrow

I wanted your love,
But look what it's done to me,
All my dreams have come to nothing,
Who would have believed?
All the laughter that we shared would be a memory,
I cannot count the tears you've cost me,
If I could have seen.

And do you ever think of me,
And how we used to be?

Oh, I know you're somewhere else right now,
And loving someone else no doubt,
Well I'm one for sorrow,
Ain't it too too bad?

Are you breaking someone else's heart?
'Cos you're taking my love where you are,
Well I'm one for sorrow,
Ain't it too bad about us,

I wanted your love,
But I got uncertainty,
I tried so hard to understand you,
All the good it did me,
Now the places that we knew,
Remind of how we were,
Everything is just the same,
But all I feel is hurt,
And do you ever think of me,
And how we used to be?

truth hurts

knowing the awful truth can be so unbearable
there are times when i just want to run away and hide
away from the surroundings
away from people
away from everything

i'm running out of ways to make myself feel better
and i'm feeling painfully exhausted

i tried to seek comfort in retail therapy but i failed
i tried to numb myself with those exhausting hours of work and school but i failed
i tried harbouring those negative thoughts of you, which perhaps could make me feel better by hating you, but i failed

i hope i can just cry and the whole thing will be over..
but sadly i didn't even shed a tear

i had contemplated and wanted to take up a challenge but time wasn't in my favour

i think i need a break.. a getaway from everything..
when all else fails, drop everything and go..

the insights

In search of the missing pieces of the puzzle
And suddenly rules of the game became clear
It is nonetheless a game with sky high stakes
And in this game i had been defeated
Which within this lost battle, i had lost some of the things that i had once strongly valued

Sometimes i simply wished that things had never happened
That my days will still be as simple as before
That my life will still be as clear with those strong definites of yes or no, right or wrong, should or should not

The ability to view things from far too many perspectives can lead to much contradiction and frustration
An in-depth thinking can lead you to realize the ugly side of human nature too

A greater understanding of the behaviour of men can lead to the realization that everything boils down to the most basic but realistic fact.
In this case when i say men, i'm referring to the gender group and not the general term for human.
That men are naturally selfish and chauvinistic creatures
That their behaviour can be frustratingly inconsistent too
That they can choose to do unto others what they don't want others to do unto them
And how they assume they have the right to call the shots in the game
And how they can translate an act of reciprocation into an idea of who knows what

Friends may be there to listen and give their views
They can tell the many great values about life
And you know they meant well
And you too can see where they are coming from
All these however could very much be a case of objectivity
The real answer perhaps lie somewhere deep within

Sometimes i do wonder what has happened to the friendship that was built right underneath
Or is it really that fragile that once broken, it can never be mended again

I do admit i miss the good old days
Where my life was flurried with endless meetups
Filled with joys and laughter aplenty
No boundaries to conversation topics
No attempts of false pretenses
Just the simple real me

Unfortunately circumstances have made it almost impossible for things to be restored to equilibrium
All those memories that were so close to me are nothing but kept memories

What hurts the most was being so close

amazed

my life seems so filled up with 'challenges' recently.. to such a point where i find no motivation at all.. feeling rather sick of all the never ending repetition.. i'm just taking it as they come..
一切的发生到底是机缘巧和.. 还是命运弄人..

i feel as if i have been giving out lots of 'speeches' for the past 1 month or so..
and sometimes i feel amazed that i'm able to express my thoughts so confidently.. and that i actually have the ability to impress others..

below is an extract of one of my so-called amazing speech, one of those that i find rather meaningful too:
"i have come to the understanding that people have their own reasons for doing certain things..
and hidden reasons might have been for a good cause..
true indeed knowing the truth does hurts..
but somehow i've learnt not to bear grudges against anyone..
i also don't know since when have i become so gracious..
but honestly i really do.. "

some updates:
met up with mel n xuan on a friday night few wks back.. had dinner and window shopping at vivo city.. we slacked ard n chatted as usual.. and we explored each other's new phones.. after taking photos, we were busy searching for the bluetooth function on my 1-day old phone then and it took us quite a while.. anyway here were some of the shots..

...

"after a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid flight. after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. and you learn that you really can endure, that you are really strong, and that you really do have worth. and you learn and you learn with every goodbye you learn... "

simple complexity

there has been a request from someone to update my blog regularly.. and there has been comments on how my posts always sounds sad..

but what updates can i have when life is so unhappening recently.. or how happy can my posts be when days spent have been black and sad..

been trying to bury myself in a frenzy of work, school and meetups with friends, in hoping to take my mind off certain issues that i don't wanna be reminded of.. but despite the effort to keep myself occupied all the time, i still can't get those stupid thoughts out of my mind. Especially when the very thought of it hits me every morning upon waking.. thy nightmare is not over..

ask me and i can tell u i don't know how to handle human relations anymore.. with all the endless sessions of mind games.. or with the ever continuing days of mutual avoidance.. the human brain is already a very complex organ.. and yet many things have been made even more complicated by human actions..

i don't want to let all these emotions get to me..
but somehow its affecting me really badly..
i can't seem to concentrate during classes..
i can't seem to concentrate at work..

and i don't want to slip into depression..

reorganisation

i think my life is badly in need of some reorganisation.. been neglecting school work ever since school started and i don't even know what have i been so busy with.. suddenly realize that my lecture notes are still bundled up in stacks, assignment deadlines are drawing near, i'm lapsing behind tutorials, class tests are coming and i have skipped 2 psychology classes.. urghh!!!! what's happening to me man!

some updates:
on a random sat night last month, had a meet up with emily n peggy n we headed down to kbox marina. nothing special abt the singing.. just dat we sang till ard 3 plus in e morning.. guess the most happening part of dat day's event was how we got home. was asked by emily's hubby to drive his car home as he drank till he was quite high at arena. so the 3 of us actually cabbed down from marina square to clarke quay just to get the car and in this case, a manual car. the last time i ever touched a manual car was the day where i passed my driving test, which was like 4 yrs back. haiz.. was quite apprehensive abt driving initially.. but somehow under their encouragement, i took up the challenge.

and omg, i felt like a complete failure as i try to get the car out of the carpark. almost forgot how to operate all those stupid gears. and i missed the turn to get onto cte and we ended up at mohamad sultan. goodness! dat was when the car stalled and i couldn't get the engine to start over again. was so damn scared dat i had caused damage to the car. then almost luckily, i managed to revive the engine again. drove extremely slowly as i tried to gain control of the car and was finally successful as we got onto cte. i managed to send peggy home at bedok.. and after dat it was cruising time for me n emily. it wasn't our intention at all. somehow we missed an exit on the PIE and we ended up driving thru KPE. anyway, it was my first time gg thru dat tunnel. the drive home after dat was rather smooth. helped to park the car at punggol den i took a cab home. reached home at 6 and mummy was alrdy up from bed. i managed to catch 2 hrs of sleep before going work.

the next day, i immediately checked with emily if there was anything wrong with the car. she said nothing was wrong just dat i used up quite alot of petrol cos i didn't change up to the 5th gear. haha.. best part was it didn't occur to me dat there was a 5th gear. haha..

its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And i don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But i don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool i keep losing my place
And i keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now i could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes i may have hurt you
But i did not desert you
Maybe i just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where i used to lay

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know its your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.

nonsensical

nothing in this world makes sense anymore.
not even people whom u trusted, not even people whom u were close to.
sometimes not even daddy nor mummy.
much less abt others.

i think i'm losing it.. sanity and rationality..
cos i can't tell the difference between truths and lies anymore..

maybe the one dats really not making sense is me.

some thoughts

if u were to ask me how's life at work for the past few months.. i have actually come up with this equation..

LLWA = stressed + demoralized + immunized + isolated

call this lame if you want to.. but i really think these 4 words is enough to summarise life at work nowadays..

anyway just wanna say a word of thank you to people who had given me their support in one way or another over the past few days..

to mel - for waiting for me to knock off and taking train home tgt. though it was a meetup for barely an hr.. ur words of encouragements somehow did help.

to mingxin - for posting those comments on my blog. know u are a frequent reader. haha. thanks for reminding me to be positive.

to joe n jenny - though u guys wont be reading this anyway. just wanna say dat at least a chat over the phone and meetups over supper/breakfast had helped too.

to mummy - just a sms was enough to touch my heart.

things hadn't been exactly going smooth.. and i'm not so sure when will it be over..
but i really think i have matured quite a bit in terms of thinking thru all these happenings..
which might not be such a bad thing after all..

insignificant me

I've been trying to pull myself away
And i wondered if you have noticed
Maybe my presence has always been too insignificant to be felt
Or maybe i'm just one of the many thousands passing chapters in your life

I'm shocked by the similarities borne between us
Even though many a times i reminded myself not to get carried away

Just when everything seems so promising
Things begin to fall apart at the same time

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking too much
Cos maybe there was nothing much to begin with in the first place

But nevertheless, it still hurts..

redundancy

the feel of redundancy is really getting to me. cutting in emotionally too. seriously wondering why my life seems to be getting topsy turvy recently.. when bits and pieces start to fall apart.. until such a point when i'm not so sure if i can take it anymore.. i can assure you i'm not being over sensitive here.. neither am i being paranoid nor thinking too much. i guess there's some truth to the saying "always trust a woman's intuition".. my sixth sense can be rather accurate at times..

maybe its just time to search for a greener pasture.. when my comfort zone doesn't seem as comfortable as before.. when things will never be the same again..

things have changed. i needa learn to accept it though it's going to be difficult.

i'm sick and tired of putting on a brave front. i have my weak points too.
after all, i'm still a girl.

i have my pride and dignity too.

Holidays to a close

The past 4 months seemed to have passed within the blink of an eye. And it is indeed a very happening school holiday that i had. So eventful to such a stage that it seems so happening than anything else dat i had experienced in the past 23 years.

May/June:

• transferred from counter to boutique
• had herpes zoster and was on mc for 11 days

July

• club like there's no tomorrow (clubbing became our weekly event)
• went on Genting /KL trip (some things started to change thereafter)
• saw the resignation of some pple

August

• many late nights out
  
• 27 aug was a day i dread to remember.. first time i drank till i puke (believe me, i myself find it disgusting).. my phone dropped inside the toilet bowl (400 over inbox msgs gone). Lost 1 side of my earring again etc..
  

September

• i failed econs. damn!
  
• nora and me stopped talking.
• frankie resigned. last day 18 Sept '08.
  

Adieu, dear mentor!

the sudden resignation of frankie has left me with much thoughts.. was brought to realization of how much i've learnt over the past few years.. it's indeed true how he always mention dat i'm the only staff who has worked under him for the longest time...

• isetan tampines
• seiyu j8 (2 mths)
• og orchard point
• og people's park
• seiyu bugis
• og albert
• isetan scotts girls
• taka girls
• metro woodlands (3 mths)
  
• ladies wisma atria

it's only during the 5 months at j8 and woodlands dat i didn't get to work with him..

through the past 4 yrs, he's been known for someone whom

• you know will be there when help is needed
• many at times taught me how to view things from another perspective
• has faith in me when at times i don't even have confidence in myself
• given me lots of opportunities
• i've gotten umpteen scoldings from, though it may have been unpleasant, but i've come to terms dat it's for a good cause
• taught me some of the moral values of life

it's always true how people learn to appreciate things only when they're gone..

but good things always have to come to an end..

there are times where we just need to learn to accept things the way they are..

And so hereby, i'll like to thank my dear mentor for providing me with such a great learning experience. All the best to you for your future endeavours!

emo...

i let my emotions got the better of me . . .

Love is when . . .

u cant sleep cos u cant stop thinkin' abt them

u cant talk cos u're afraid of saying smethg stupid

u barely move cos u're scared to do smethg dumb

u stare at the phone for hours hoping dat they'll call

the only thing dat can make u feel better is their smile

ppl can say anything to u or abt u & u just dun care

u get online & sit there for hours & wait for dat annoying sound so u can finally talk to them

u find someone dat u can tell everythin' & u're sure they wont make fun of u

u can just wake up, have makeup runnin' down ur face from crying & they'll still say u're beautiful

they would do anything to see u smile

every song reminds u of them

i needa wardrobe expansion!

been trying to repack my wardrobe.. seems like there's a whole lot of mess. and i actually discovered dat i have accumulated an astonishing figure of ard 40 levi's bottoms (not including those i have given out) over the years.. its badly in need of space man.. how i wish i can have a walk-in closet.. haha.. =p

been gorging myself with lots of good food for e past week.. wonder if it had contributed to any weight gain..

10 aug (sun)
supper at cuppage : prata n maggie goreng

11 aug (mon)
dinner at swensen's : chicken sandwich n ice cream

12 aug (tue)
home cooked food for supper

13 aug (wed)
supper at pasir ris park : seafood platter n grilled cheese scallops

14 aug (thu)
supper at amk :barbecued seafood

15 aug (fri)
home cooked dinner

16 aug (sat)
dinner at mr bean: cabonara pasta, seafood platter, mushroom soup n garden salad
(omg, it seems so much..)

17 aug (sun)
steamboat dinner at home..


till right now, i still feel so bloated even though dinner has ended more than 2 hrs ago..
gotta shower now n den it's reading time..

dream cars

i'm dreaming once again..

think suzuki swift is rather cool..
i'm aiming for it..




though i still think this is the ultimately cool one..



just that a volkswagen seems too far-fetched for now..

Clearly Confused

I can't think straight.
I can't think clear.
I just can't find the words to express my thoughts anymore.

All i know is that whenever i try to put on a brave front, i'm actually shaking all inside.

When emotions outweigh rationality, i find myself slipping into my world of self-denial once again.

Our Weekly Affair

headed down to dbl O again yesterday..
this time round with joe, mx, alicia n shihui.
all of them waited for me to knock off from work.
had mac's at lucky plaza before heading down..

had a camwhoring session while we were there.
all of us got high at e wrong moment.. only when e party was abt to end..
well, here's some of the photos that we took..



the regulars

You ask me if I love you
and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
in what you say or do
I'm only just beginning
to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all it's strategy
leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Lyrics from "Sometimes when we touch"

new haircut

i've cut my hair..
now it feels so short..
just when i want to keep it long..

lame but funny

had this conversation with rosmen this morning.. find it lame but funny.

Me: This pair of heels is giving me a backache.
Ros: Really? Which part is aching?
Me: My lower back muscles. I can feel the strain. I never had this kind of feeling before.
Ros: Never had this kind of feeling before.. Are you in love?

and then we couldn't stop laughing...

I've been busy!

Okay, a rather happening week indeed.

30 Jul (Wed)
went dbl O with joe, mx+gf, sam n annie..
part of the reason we went was bcos it was annie's last dae.. the other part is simply bcos we're becoming clubbing addicts.. hee..
anyway, it was a nice combi and all of us got a little crazy..

31 Jul (Thu)
missed out on sample sale due to the late night
partying.. had meeting at 9am.. barely slept for 3 hrs.. went kbox after work.. was jeremy's n pauline's last dae.. left at 4am..


1 Aug (Fri)
had another meeting (more like beauty pageant) at 8.45am.. again i slept for barely 3 hrs..
supper after work and it was another late night out again..

2 Aug (Sat)
finally i got my 8 hrs of sleep.. but still it wasn't enough.. it was a boring day at work and we camwhored at shop.. went to have bk with joe n mx after work.. couldn't decide on where to go but somehow we ended up at dbl O again.. twice a week there.. OMG! it was an impromptu decision and i was way too casually dressed.. luckily i was allowed to enter with my black flops..
we left there at 4am.. and thank god i managed to get into bed just right before mummy woke up..









my sleeping pattern has become so erratic over the past few weeks. with barely 3 hrs of sleep on most days, i'm incurring a sleep debt where i just cant seem to pay back.. beginning to feel the inability to concentrate and malfunctioning of my brain.. how i wish there's more than 24 hrs a day..