one for sorrow

I wanted your love,
But look what it's done to me,
All my dreams have come to nothing,
Who would have believed?
All the laughter that we shared would be a memory,
I cannot count the tears you've cost me,
If I could have seen.

And do you ever think of me,
And how we used to be?

Oh, I know you're somewhere else right now,
And loving someone else no doubt,
Well I'm one for sorrow,
Ain't it too too bad?

Are you breaking someone else's heart?
'Cos you're taking my love where you are,
Well I'm one for sorrow,
Ain't it too bad about us,

I wanted your love,
But I got uncertainty,
I tried so hard to understand you,
All the good it did me,
Now the places that we knew,
Remind of how we were,
Everything is just the same,
But all I feel is hurt,
And do you ever think of me,
And how we used to be?

truth hurts

knowing the awful truth can be so unbearable
there are times when i just want to run away and hide
away from the surroundings
away from people
away from everything

i'm running out of ways to make myself feel better
and i'm feeling painfully exhausted

i tried to seek comfort in retail therapy but i failed
i tried to numb myself with those exhausting hours of work and school but i failed
i tried harbouring those negative thoughts of you, which perhaps could make me feel better by hating you, but i failed

i hope i can just cry and the whole thing will be over..
but sadly i didn't even shed a tear

i had contemplated and wanted to take up a challenge but time wasn't in my favour

i think i need a break.. a getaway from everything..
when all else fails, drop everything and go..

the insights

In search of the missing pieces of the puzzle
And suddenly rules of the game became clear
It is nonetheless a game with sky high stakes
And in this game i had been defeated
Which within this lost battle, i had lost some of the things that i had once strongly valued

Sometimes i simply wished that things had never happened
That my days will still be as simple as before
That my life will still be as clear with those strong definites of yes or no, right or wrong, should or should not

The ability to view things from far too many perspectives can lead to much contradiction and frustration
An in-depth thinking can lead you to realize the ugly side of human nature too

A greater understanding of the behaviour of men can lead to the realization that everything boils down to the most basic but realistic fact.
In this case when i say men, i'm referring to the gender group and not the general term for human.
That men are naturally selfish and chauvinistic creatures
That their behaviour can be frustratingly inconsistent too
That they can choose to do unto others what they don't want others to do unto them
And how they assume they have the right to call the shots in the game
And how they can translate an act of reciprocation into an idea of who knows what

Friends may be there to listen and give their views
They can tell the many great values about life
And you know they meant well
And you too can see where they are coming from
All these however could very much be a case of objectivity
The real answer perhaps lie somewhere deep within

Sometimes i do wonder what has happened to the friendship that was built right underneath
Or is it really that fragile that once broken, it can never be mended again

I do admit i miss the good old days
Where my life was flurried with endless meetups
Filled with joys and laughter aplenty
No boundaries to conversation topics
No attempts of false pretenses
Just the simple real me

Unfortunately circumstances have made it almost impossible for things to be restored to equilibrium
All those memories that were so close to me are nothing but kept memories

What hurts the most was being so close

amazed

my life seems so filled up with 'challenges' recently.. to such a point where i find no motivation at all.. feeling rather sick of all the never ending repetition.. i'm just taking it as they come..
一切的发生到底是机缘巧和.. 还是命运弄人..

i feel as if i have been giving out lots of 'speeches' for the past 1 month or so..
and sometimes i feel amazed that i'm able to express my thoughts so confidently.. and that i actually have the ability to impress others..

below is an extract of one of my so-called amazing speech, one of those that i find rather meaningful too:
"i have come to the understanding that people have their own reasons for doing certain things..
and hidden reasons might have been for a good cause..
true indeed knowing the truth does hurts..
but somehow i've learnt not to bear grudges against anyone..
i also don't know since when have i become so gracious..
but honestly i really do.. "

some updates:
met up with mel n xuan on a friday night few wks back.. had dinner and window shopping at vivo city.. we slacked ard n chatted as usual.. and we explored each other's new phones.. after taking photos, we were busy searching for the bluetooth function on my 1-day old phone then and it took us quite a while.. anyway here were some of the shots..

...

"after a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid flight. after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. and you learn that you really can endure, that you are really strong, and that you really do have worth. and you learn and you learn with every goodbye you learn... "